BRAZEN BLACK SQUIRREL PIZZA SUICIDE

One of Westfield's own was lost Wednesday afternoon outside of Bella Roma Pizzeria on Southwick Road.

At approximately 1:30 p.m. Wednesday, local authorities report having received a call from an employee within the Bella Roma Pizzeria.

Westfield Police arrived at the scene approximately 40 minutes later, having made an obligatory stop at Dunkin' Donuts for coffee and pleasantries. 

"I was one of the first on the scene," said officer Mark Luchesi. "There was blood everywhere. I never knew a squirrel could hold that much blood. I almost threw up my cruller."

A dark-colored late model sedan, seemingly being "driven" by the squirrel victim, was found at the scene. Affiliate reporter Jack Flynn of MassLive later indicated that a note was removed from the vehicle.

"We rolled the car back from the building and the driver was under the left driver's side tire," explained Luchesi.

Forensics investigators believe that the "driver" jumped from the vehicle at the last moment, after having accelerated toward to the pizzeria storefront. The squirrel has yet to be identified, though witnesses of the incident have indicated that the driver "seemed elderly".

For more on this, and more of the same, it's got to be The Westfield Noise.