BRAZEN BLACK SQUIRREL PIZZA SUICIDE

One of Westfield's own was lost Wednesday afternoon outside of Bella Roma Pizzeria on Southwick Road.

At approximately 1:30 p.m. Wednesday, local authorities report having received a call from an employee within the Bella Roma Pizzeria.

Westfield Police arrived at the scene approximately 40 minutes later, having made an obligatory stop at Dunkin' Donuts for coffee and pleasantries. 

"I was one of the first on the scene," said officer Mark Luchesi. "There was blood everywhere. I never knew a squirrel could hold that much blood. I almost threw up my cruller."

A dark-colored late model sedan, seemingly being "driven" by the squirrel victim, was found at the scene. Affiliate reporter Jack Flynn of MassLive later indicated that a note was removed from the vehicle.

"We rolled the car back from the building and the driver was under the left driver's side tire," explained Luchesi.

Forensics investigators believe that the "driver" jumped from the vehicle at the last moment, after having accelerated toward to the pizzeria storefront. The squirrel has yet to be identified, though witnesses of the incident have indicated that the driver "seemed elderly".

For more on this, and more of the same, it's got to be The Westfield Noise.

FORECAST PREDICTS COLOSSAL STORM

Western Mass residents need not struggle to recall the great winter storm of 2011 that brought everyday life to a halt. But now, a report released by meteorologist Brian Lapis of WWLP 22News has indicated the potential for another high impact storm.

Set to arrive in the midday hours, Lapis explained during last night's newscast that winter storm "Reid" could prove more devastating than storms in recent memory.

"People who can see today may experience temporary, if not prolonged, blindness" said Lapis in a moment that sent viewers into panic.

Stores across Western Mass have been inundated with customers as early as 5 a.m. Wednesday seeking bottled water and salted butter.

"I don't get it," said Chris Lang of Westfield's Stop & Shop. "What do people do with all that butter and water?"

Meteorologist Brian Lapis did urge viewers to be prepared for the worst, but to also understand that his report was merely a prediction.

"This is New England. If we get 16 feet of snow and the power goes out, just wait 15 minutes. It might be a great beach day after all!"

More of the same, only from The Westfield Noise.

FENWAY SWALLOWED, SERIES COMES TO WESTFIELD

In what some might call the biggest sign of the infamous Bambino curse, Boston's historic Fenway Park was swallowed by a gigantic sinkhole late Monday night.

Rescue teams worked through the night to squelch the blazing rubble remains to the beloved park that was set to host the final games in this year's World Series competition.

With the Cardinals and Red Sox traveling on Tuesday, the Major League Baseball association met this morning to determine an alternate field capable of hosting the event.

"Billy Bullens field was the unanimous choice. We needed a ball park with some real history," said Red Sox manager John Farrell.

Bullens Field, located on King Street in Westfield, has never hosted a major league event. City officials have assured fans that "we will be ready".

Tickets for upcoming World Series games at Fenway will be honored at the new location. Instructions on transferring tickets are available at redsoxnation.com and cityofwestfield.org.

More of the same, only from The Westfield Noise.

MARATHON SUSPECT TIED TO JFK, FAILED SPACE MISSIONS, TRAFFIC

According to a report filed Monday, Tamerlan Tsarnaev may have participated in the assassination of president John F Kennedy.

New evidence has surfaced that links the older Tsarnaev brother to the assassination of United States president John F Kennedy as well as implications relative to failed space exploration missions and general traffic congestion in some of the nation's biggest cities.

"Let's face it. If it happened, one or both of these guys was probably behind it" said an anonymous source.

Further examination of the report also eluded to Tsarnaev's potential involvement in failed Apollo space missions, some dating back as far as 1968.

Tsarnaev, accused of working with his younger brother to effect the Boston Marathon Bombings, died just days after the marathon being shot multiple times by local law enforcement and later run over by his younger brother, Dzhokhar.

The filing is prosecutors' attempt to block Dzhokhar Tsarnaev from getting certain information from authorities. According to prosecutors, the ongoing investigation into the JFK assassination is reason enough not to allow Dzhokhar Tsarnaev access to the documents he's seeking.

"This investigation is ongoing. We'll link these guys to putting Jesus on the cross if it'll buy us more time to get our story straight," prosecutors wrote.

For the best of all things explosive, and more of the same, it's got to be The Westfield Noise.

SPRINGFIELD ABSORBS WESTFIELD, TO BECOME CHINATOWN

In an unexpected turn of events, Springfield mayor Dominic Sarno has announced that, as of January 2014, Westfield will become part of the Springfield municipality. 

Sarno, having just received a $40,000 salary bump, spoke at last night's city council meeting.

"What some of us will one day remember as Westfield will soon become our own little Chinatown."

Further explanation by Sarno outlined an elaborate "revitalization plan" that will, among other changes, expect residents to abide by strict Chinese cultural dress and dietary regimen.

"Anyone who's been to Westfield knows it's a black hole where everything but despair goes to die," said Sarno. "I believe it can be something more than nothing."

More as this story develops, and more of the same, only from The Westfield Noise.

BREAKING NEWS

Results of a recent study indicated that truck drivers are the most common users of dashboard Jesus figurines. Some even admitted to praying while driving.

WESTFIELD ARTS COMMUNITY DRAWS CROWD, CUPS

After years of cultural decline, Westfield's downtown is showing the first signs of an artistic future.

Displays of locally sourced art are now available for viewing at several locations downtown, including the City Cafe, Mina's Spirits, and the former Westfield Boys & Girls Library. Word of the new art installations has brought a flurry of onlookers to town.

"We used to think Northampton when we wanted to do something artsy," said Lyndsay Hewitt of Williamsburg, "but this is way better".

"I liked how they spread it out across town. One painting at the library and then a coat-hanger sculpture on the town green. It's really quite marvelous." - Garrett Schein of Otis.

The burgeoning arts community of Westfield is just one way city officials have planned to combat the toxic impressions of the so-called "arm chair quarterbacks" who have incessantly complained about the lack of downtown culture.

"Just the other day I saw a guy toss a coffee cup onto the sidewalk. Today, we're gathered around this very cup and discussing the meaning behind it's placement, orientation and flow.  People in this town used to think this was trash. Can you believe this?" - Sally Leurich of Hadley.

For the best of all things local, it's got to be The Westfield Noise.

SURPRISE MONORAIL TAKES RESIDENTS HIGHER

Residents woke to a surprise Friday morning as a monorail was unexpectedly found straddling the Westfield River and sprawling across town.


The Great Whip City Monorail transportation system, as the project is being called, was kept secret from the public per strict instruction from mayor Daniel Knapik. 


"This city's homeless and mentally ill deserve modern transportation," explained Knapik, "and it was my intent to give it to them".

The monorail track reaches from a hub on Court Street at the former YMCA to a transfer station in front of the Reed Institute on Notre Dame Street.

Over 230 laborers worked through the night Thursday to break ground and reach completion on the project before townspeople caught wind. 

A full operating schedule is to be released by City Hall later today.

For more of the same, it's got to be The Westfield Noise.

UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT "ONLY NEEDS HIS THERMOS"

Over six hours of deliberation by the Westfield State Board of Trustees on Wednesday brought some closure to dwindling confidence in President Evan Dobelle.

Members of the Board voted unanimously to suspend Dobelle from his duties as President at approximately 11:45 p.m. Wednesday. The vote came after weeks of scrutiny of Dobelle's use of Westfield State University funds.

"We sent him out with the only thing he needs. His thermos," said one participant. 

Dobelle was seen, as pictured here, leaving the meeting looking disheveled, and only wearing a soiled bathrobe. Carried with him were the few essential items Dobelle was afforded time to collect: a paddle game, a thermos, and a chair.

"We're fairly certain that the chair was University property, but it's not even worth pursuing at this point," said Chairman of the Board of Trustees, Jack Flynn. "We'll probably see him days from now wandering about town like that Flip character. Poor bastard."

Hundreds of WSU students, faculty, staff and librarians gathered outside the Horace Mann building last night in anticipation of the news, many holding picket signs. When the announcement was made, the crowd burst into euphoria, hugging and smiling, while some even wept.

Breaking news, and more of the same, only from The Westfield Noise. 

SQUIRREL BITE LEADS TO SCHOOL SHOOTING

A Westfield man was taken to Baystate Medical Center after being brutally attacked early Tuesday morning. 

According to city employment records, Frank Buell has been directing traffic at the entrance to Papermill Elementary School for over 8 years, but today was unlike any other day for Frank.

"I was guiding some children across the road and I wasn't really paying attention," said Buell. "All of a sudden, I felt an awful pain in my neck and saw this black feather whipping across my face."

Eye-witness Laura Pratt recounts the horrific incident:

"One minute I'm waving goodbye to my baby, the next thing you know a disgusting black squirrel grabs a hold of that guy and starts biting at him. There was blood everywhere. I'm telling you, this thing was trying to kill that poor man."

Buell reports suffering multiple bite wounds to his neck, torso and groin before shooting the animal with his own gun. Sixty-two stitches later, Buell was released home though he cannot return to work just yet. Frank Buell received official notification that he had been placed on administrative leave while Westfield's Superintendent researches the matter.

"One bad squirrel shouldn't ruin it for all the others," said Jeane Moccia, an employee of Papermill School. "Now, the gun piece. That's a different story."

A memorial service for the squirrel in question will be held Friday afternoon at Czelusniak's School of Music. Calling hours 4pm - 6pm. The family is asking for nuts in lieu of money.

For the best of all things local, it's got to be The Westfield Noise.

RAIL TRAIL FAIL

Due to a number of factors, including a gross misuse of the trail, a source within the Friends of the Columbia Greenway Rail Trail group has reported that funding for the project has ceased.

"There was a lot of support for a bike trail in Westfield when we first got started, but we didn't realize people would show up with bikes and just walk them down the trail," shared the source. "The mayor just isn't willing to pour any more money into a project that isn't going anywhere."

The bike trail, currently connecting Southwick to Westfield, only reaches into the Shaker Road neighborhoods, and was proposed to connect into downtown, across the river and, eventually, with trails that lead as far as Northampton.

"We've got just enough money to put in a cul de sac so people can turn around and it'll look sort of finished. It's not like people are going to walk their bikes all the way to Northampton anyway. This way, they can get back to their Hummer without being winded."

In other news, Westfield's Superintendent of Schools has released a report citing widespread obesity among parents after recent Open House meetings left several student desks in disrepair.

For the best of all things local, it's got to be The Westfield Noise.
http://www.thewestfieldnoise.com

RADIO SHACK: RETAIL'S EIGHTH WONDER

Radio Shack. It's one of those places that makes us all a little confused. Sure, one day in your life, you may find yourself in the market for a 104k capacitor, at which time...wait, no. That won't ever happen for 99.9% of you. 

"Are they still open? I think they closed years ago. Couldn't we just get that....anywhere else?"

We've all had the same reaction to the words 'Radio Shack' on those rare occasions that someone, likely mistakenly, mentions the retailer.

It's one of those places that makes us all a little confused. Sure, one day in your life, you may find yourself in the market for a 104k capacitor, at which time...wait, no. That won't ever happen for 99.9% of you. 

For most of us, Radio Shack is a convenient landmark by which we give directions to other, more capable and competitively priced, retail stores.

"You know where the Twiss Street dump is? Yeah, so go past that..."

Nevertheless, you may, in a pit of clinical depression, be in such a vulnerable state that you venture into a Radio Shack nearby. Don't be afraid. Just understand that you'll wish you hadn't wasted the gas and time confirming what you told yourself you already knew. 

Of course they're open. It's fair to assume they never actually close. And yes, their employees know everything there is to know about batteries, especially why their proprietary AA's will last longer than those $30 Duracells. Sure, they know that stuff. But is that really what you wanted to do with your night? Humor someone who is biding time until that dream job in WalMart's electronics department opens up?

Now, in some cases, Radio Shack will have what you need. Unfortunately, those employee uniforms must be made of the finest organic polyester because the price of that auxiliary cable is at least double what you'd find it for elsewhere. Yes, the connection is made of 24 karat Peruvian gold, and yes, it will make your Bruno Mars MP3s sound incredible coming out of that homegrown sub in the back of your Dodge Neon with custom ground effects and buzzing loose license plate. On second thought, maybe you do belong at 'the Shack'?

One thing is for sure, you will get old, and once you do, Radio Shack will be closed. Unless you're old today, in which case you've surely purchased at least one antiquated remote controlled helicopter for a whipper snapper in your family. Why? Well, not because the kid asked for it. Kids no better than that. It's because one of those sharp-dressed Shackers led you down their slippery slope. Trust your gut. Little Jimmy doesn't have any need for a D-battery operated cassette recorder. Little Jimmy won't ever even know what a D battery is. He wants the new iPad Maxi because his old tablet doesn't have the processing power to keep up with his 10 year old problems.

For your nearest Radio Shack location, or for a list of products you won't find in store, check out radioshack.com. They're sure to disappoint.

HAUNTED HOSPITAL? YES, NOBLE

Effects of the government shutdown aren't just being felt in Washington. This morning, officials from Noble Hospital announced a new "community outreach strategy"  that is aimed at bringing in public funds with minimal overhead.

What is sure to be a controversial endeavor, Noble Hospital is planning to utilize the Halloween season to drum up some local dollars.

"Let's face it," said president Ron Bryant, "people die every day. Once they're gone, they aren't costing hospitals money. So why do we push them out the door so fast?"

Bryant went on to explain that individuals or their families can elect to participate in the fundraising endeavor that looks to utilize cadavers as props for a haunted house experience "like no other".

"The Haunted Hospital will take place after visiting hours Thursday through Saturday for the last three weekends in October. Guests can expect to see real blood, bodies, ghosts, and maybe even people they recognize."

Posthumous awards will be given to the cadavers that produce the most fright during the tours.

Tours of Noble's 'Haunted Hospital' are open to children and families of all ages. Light refreshments will be available at an additional cost. Estimated length of the tour is 8 minutes. Tickets available online or at the non-emergency reception area for $13, or with a silver coin at Big Y Supermarket for only $7.

More of the same horrifying local stories, only from The Westfield Noise.

SANTA'S HOUSE: WESTFIELD VOTES

Record-setting turnout was seen Tuesday as residents voted on some 'hot button' issues.

Westfield residents had a number of important decisions to make on Tuesday, having State Senate candidacy and various townships to vote on. Polls closed at 8 p.m., and residents of Westfield voted with overwhelming confidence to move Don Humason forward as the Republican candidate for Massachusetts State Senate having gained 89% support.

Despite the landslide results, registered Democrats from the greater Westfield area are now speaking out with skepticism regarding Humason's windfall success.

"This was the first time the ballots had photographs of the people running for office," explained Jane Delaney of Northwest Road. "Of course people are going to vote for the guy that looks like Santa."

"Just wait until he runs for president. I bet he'll do the full red suit." - Barb Chapman of Laurel Terrace.

"I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't have voted for Anthony Weiner if they put that picture of his package on the ballot." - Karly Finch of Sandy Hill Road.

The race isn't yet over, as this vote only determined the final two candidates to be chosen from this November. A source close to the Democratic nominee has shared that an entire team of stylists and makeup artists are being commissioned to help curb the almost instinctual tendency to trust a large, jolly, bearded man in a fancy suit.

In a related story, this years Santa's House was rumored to be constructed entirely of Gingerbread. Plans were moving quickly on the project until one council member expressed fear that Mr. Humason would completely devour it, children and all. When reached for comment, Humason had this to say: "I love Gingerbread, and I love children. But most of all I love Westfield. What better way to love Westfield than to put it in my mouth?"


What are your opinions on including candidate photos on the ballot? What do you think of putting Westfield in your mouth?TWN would like to know!

STUDY: (NOT QUITE) PUMPKIN SPICE

A group of Westfield State University graduate students recently published a study entitled 'The Pumpkin Placebo' that is stirring controversy among the many consumers of pumpkin flavored delights. The study, using a sample of 3,000 persons ranging from 17 to 86 years of age, suggests that 94% of the surveyed Western Massachusetts population “have absolutely no idea what pumpkin actually tastes like".

“It's a little-known fact that most products claiming to have pumpkin flavoring have not one iota of the fruit many New Englanders enjoy,” 23 year old James Galvin tells us. “An overwhelming majority of those who participated in this project believe that pumpkin has a complex, spicy flavor" added Galvin. "We found at least three persons who described the taste of pumpkin as being similar to 'those things that stick out of a ham at Easter'."

The three hundred eighty-seven page report conducted by Galvin and the four other Westfield State graduate students exposed additional pumpkin-related misconceptions. An excerpt from the Discussion, titled 'Coffee ImPUMPsters' had been published on their website, gotpumpkin.org and is reported to be the most controversial hot-button of the entire report as it targets popular coffee shops in town.

“When all seven of the Dunkin' Donuts establishments in Westfield break out their fall line-up, pumpkin being the headliner of course, it misleads the public into thinking that they are, in fact, enjoying pumpkin flavor in their coffee,” Galvin explains. “I hate to think of what most people would do if they stuck their straws into actual pureed pumpkin. The disillusion would be crippling.”

The most disconcerting proof of Levine's comments are revealed on page 266 where the negative experience of one participant is revealed in graphic detail. Galvin explains, “It was difficult to watch. We'd simply introduced him to real pumpkin too early. To be fair, they're called experiments for a reason.”

The goal of the study according to the website is to 'Raise pumpkin awareness' and to educate the public about their favorite fall fare. “If ninety-three out of one hundred test subjects insist that a pumpkin is a vegetable, sometimes violently so, it's going to be a bumpy ride,” Galvin added.

TWN took to the streets for public opinion earlier this afternoon, showing excerpts of our recorded interview with Galvin while asking the question: Did you know that there's no pumpkin in the (food/drink item) you (eat/drink)?

“(Expletive), then what the (expletive) am I drinking, then?” Ben Lamb, a 17-year old Westfield High School student asked. "This white chocolate pumpkin latte sure tastes like pumpkin to me."

“Wait, she said there are seven Dunkin Donuts? There's eight in Westfield. Shows how much this guy knows,” said Haley Vincent.

For more of the same, and even more after that, it's got to be The Westfield Noise.

GAY NORTHAMPTON BOASTS RAINBOW FOLIAGE

Northampton, Ma has long been known for it's burgeoning homosexual community, though a recent attempt to "branch out" has many local residents upset.

City officials announced Monday the first annual 'Rainbow Foliage Pride Ride', an event that will elevate the already popular New England tradition of foliage sightseeing. Since New England foliage isn't commonly colored in a way that spans the visible spectrum, Northampton mayor David Narkewicz has reportedly authorized painting crews to "color adjust" leaves along Route 9.

"Over the course of today and tomorrow, we'll paint some blue and purple areas of foliage to really bring our equality philosophy full circle," said Narkewicz in an interview with The Westfield Noise. "Just like with a real rainbow, there's a peak viewing time. People should make a point to see this before it's too late."

But some residents are questioning to what exactly "too late" is referencing. We stopped in to the Woodstar Cafe to get the perspective of some real-life Northamptonites.

"I haven't seen color since I moved here," said Blythe Hertzle. "I couldn't even tell you if you're black, white, green. Are you in line?"

"You can't spray paint onto leaves and expect the tree not to be effected," said Karyn Faust-Glick. "How would the mayor like it if we spray him blue?"

"I think we need to get more information, like what type of paint they are using and whether it complies with EPA standards," said Chris Saunders. "I'm not saying I'm for or against it. I guess it's something I'll have to think a lot more about."

"How about we forget trying to bring people who don't belong here into town and focus on the fact that I can't even find a bench to sit on downtown anymore," said Sunshine Harris-Chen. "How about that?"

Those interested in participating in the Rainbow Foliage Pride Ride can purchase tickets from 10 a.m. until 10:30 a.m. weekdays, except Thursdays, at the Haymarket on Main Street.

For the best of all things local, it's got to be The Westfield Noise.

WESTFIELD, CHINA BRACE FOR FITOW

Over 400,000 people in China have been evacuated in anticipation of Typhoon Fitow. A report from The National Weather Service in Taunton, MA has indicated the potential for heavy or torrential rain to five Chinese provinces over the next three days. Some North American areas, particularly Hampden County of Massachusetts and Western portions of Vermont, may see rainfall of in excess of .10 inches, unrelated to the typhoon.


Per the alert: "Residents are encouraged to seek immediate shelter. Those with access to a boat should prepare the vessel for, what could become, days or weeks at 'sea'."

TWN will be providing updates to this alert, and more of the same, as information becomes available.