Thursday, November 7, 2013

ERIC SUHER HAS RUNWAY DREAMS

Property developer Eric Suher of Northampton and Holyoke infamy has reportedly purchased the former location of The Runway restaurant at Barnes Air National Guard Base.

Suher, recently making headlines for holding hostage a number of liquor licenses in the Northampton municipality, visited the Barnes base in Westfield to finalize an agreement to develop the now closed Runway restaurant into a concert venue he's calling 'Squirrel Street'.

"We've been in talks with Mr. Suher for several months," explained Westfield Mayor Dan Knapik, "but with the election and all, we decided to hold off on any announcements".

"There's nowhere in that town to see a concert and no artist has ever heard of Westfield," said Suher in a phone interview Wednesday. "In a year or so, I don't see why we can't be booking Beyoncé and The Lumineers for shows out on the tarmac. There's just no reason why Squirrel Street can't be a success."

Having recently found himself under scrutiny with the license commission in Northampton, Suher was quick to offer a timeline by which residents can expect to see the developer's plan come to light.

"It's 2013, but let's call it 2014. We've got to poke around in there and get rid of a huge infestation problem and throw some fresh paint on the walls. I'd safely say doors will open before 2025, and I'd personally hope it's well before that."

For the best of all things local, it's got to be The Westfield Noise.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

DISPARATE TIMES

With today comes the conclusion of a long, arduous battle for public office. Mike Roeder and Dan Knapik are both

vying for your vote in today's mayoral election, but only one can be the victor.

Throughout this election season, we've provided information on both candidates in a sporadic, nauseating kind of way. We were on the scene when Mayor Knapik was working from a satellite office in Boston reportedly costing taxpayers over $1200 per day. We were also the first to report on Mike Roeder and his plan to pave all city roads within his first week as mayor.

Few would envy the job sought by these two men, as Westfield continues to spiral further and further from recognition. Many residents have expressed discontent with the way things are going. A "concrete jungle" now replaces the town green, and the lights are so bright that the most hardy of shrubs cease to survive. Neighborhood schools may be a thing of the past, though neighborhood Dunkin' Donuts locations are on the rise. Crime against black squirrels is rampant, and many have expressed concern for the future of the Westfield mascot.

Nevertheless, the race has gone on, and desperate times seem to have been cause for disparate measures.

At the final mayoral debate last Thursday, Mayor Dan Knapik was interrupted by a resident who began twerk dancing in his face. Rather than lose composure, Knapik raised his hands to encircle the dancer's bottom and bit his bottom lip, eyes locked on the display before him.

"Incredible, wasn't it? The people of Westfield have many talents. Tonight we all got to experience one way that these townspeople are helping to move this city forward," explained Knapik shortly after the incident. "Leopard pants. Wow. Is my wife still here? I feel 18 again."

With the Mike Roeder camp this Saturday, Spring was in the air and it seemed to be just the reason the candidate needed to bare his wares for the voters.

"I want the people of Westfield to see that I don't need fancy suits to be mayor. Today I'm wearing this barrel. This barrel belonged to my parents. My father came to this country with only a fork and a small box of jacks. My mother didn't learn to walk until her 43rd birthday. We're not so different, the voters and me," shared Roeder crouched inside a large wooden barrel.

Polls close at 8 p.m. tonight and TWN will be here with all the live updates on the most important election in Westfield's history.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

BRAZEN BLACK SQUIRREL PIZZA SUICIDE

One of Westfield's own was lost Wednesday afternoon outside of Bella Roma Pizzeria on Southwick Road.

At approximately 1:30 p.m. Wednesday, local authorities report having received a call from an employee within the Bella Roma Pizzeria.

Westfield Police arrived at the scene approximately 40 minutes later, having made an obligatory stop at Dunkin' Donuts for coffee and pleasantries. 

"I was one of the first on the scene," said officer Mark Luchesi. "There was blood everywhere. I never knew a squirrel could hold that much blood. I almost threw up my cruller."

A dark-colored late model sedan, seemingly being "driven" by the squirrel victim, was found at the scene. Affiliate reporter Jack Flynn of MassLive later indicated that a note was removed from the vehicle.

"We rolled the car back from the building and the driver was under the left driver's side tire," explained Luchesi.

Forensics investigators believe that the "driver" jumped from the vehicle at the last moment, after having accelerated toward to the pizzeria storefront. The squirrel has yet to be identified, though witnesses of the incident have indicated that the driver "seemed elderly".

For more on this, and more of the same, it's got to be The Westfield Noise.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

FORECAST PREDICTS COLOSSAL STORM

Western Mass residents need not struggle to recall the great winter storm of 2011 that brought everyday life to a halt. But now, a report released by meteorologist Brian Lapis of WWLP 22News has indicated the potential for another high impact storm.

Set to arrive in the midday hours, Lapis explained during last night's newscast that winter storm "Reid" could prove more devastating than storms in recent memory.

"People who can see today may experience temporary, if not prolonged, blindness" said Lapis in a moment that sent viewers into panic.

Stores across Western Mass have been inundated with customers as early as 5 a.m. Wednesday seeking bottled water and salted butter.

"I don't get it," said Chris Lang of Westfield's Stop & Shop. "What do people do with all that butter and water?"

Meteorologist Brian Lapis did urge viewers to be prepared for the worst, but to also understand that his report was merely a prediction.

"This is New England. If we get 16 feet of snow and the power goes out, just wait 15 minutes. It might be a great beach day after all!"

More of the same, only from The Westfield Noise.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

FENWAY SWALLOWED, SERIES COMES TO WESTFIELD

In what some might call the biggest sign of the infamous Bambino curse, Boston's historic Fenway Park was swallowed by a gigantic sinkhole late Monday night.

Rescue teams worked through the night to squelch the blazing rubble remains to the beloved park that was set to host the final games in this year's World Series competition.

With the Cardinals and Red Sox traveling on Tuesday, the Major League Baseball association met this morning to determine an alternate field capable of hosting the event.

"Billy Bullens field was the unanimous choice. We needed a ball park with some real history," said Red Sox manager John Farrell.

Bullens Field, located on King Street in Westfield, has never hosted a major league event. City officials have assured fans that "we will be ready".

Tickets for upcoming World Series games at Fenway will be honored at the new location. Instructions on transferring tickets are available at redsoxnation.com and cityofwestfield.org.

More of the same, only from The Westfield Noise.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

MARATHON SUSPECT TIED TO JFK, FAILED SPACE MISSIONS, TRAFFIC

According to a report filed Monday, Tamerlan Tsarnaev may have participated in the assassination of president John F Kennedy.

New evidence has surfaced that links the older Tsarnaev brother to the assassination of United States president John F Kennedy as well as implications relative to failed space exploration missions and general traffic congestion in some of the nation's biggest cities.

"Let's face it. If it happened, one or both of these guys was probably behind it" said an anonymous source.

Further examination of the report also eluded to Tsarnaev's potential involvement in failed Apollo space missions, some dating back as far as 1968.

Tsarnaev, accused of working with his younger brother to effect the Boston Marathon Bombings, died just days after the marathon being shot multiple times by local law enforcement and later run over by his younger brother, Dzhokhar.

The filing is prosecutors' attempt to block Dzhokhar Tsarnaev from getting certain information from authorities. According to prosecutors, the ongoing investigation into the JFK assassination is reason enough not to allow Dzhokhar Tsarnaev access to the documents he's seeking.

"This investigation is ongoing. We'll link these guys to putting Jesus on the cross if it'll buy us more time to get our story straight," prosecutors wrote.

For the best of all things explosive, and more of the same, it's got to be The Westfield Noise.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

SPRINGFIELD ABSORBS WESTFIELD, TO BECOME CHINATOWN

In an unexpected turn of events, Springfield mayor Dominic Sarno has announced that, as of January 2014, Westfield will become part of the Springfield municipality. 

Sarno, having just received a $40,000 salary bump, spoke at last night's city council meeting.

"What some of us will one day remember as Westfield will soon become our own little Chinatown."

Further explanation by Sarno outlined an elaborate "revitalization plan" that will, among other changes, expect residents to abide by strict Chinese cultural dress and dietary regimen.

"Anyone who's been to Westfield knows it's a black hole where everything but despair goes to die," said Sarno. "I believe it can be something more than nothing."

More as this story develops, and more of the same, only from The Westfield Noise.